


Patching up the 'Pool

by PrincessGarbage



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel
Genre: Blood and Gore, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Long-Term Relationship(s), Mild Gore, Nursing, One Shot, Other, Reader-Insert, Roommates, Sexual Humor, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 14:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7226194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessGarbage/pseuds/PrincessGarbage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your merc boyfriend has come back to your place rather disheveled to say the least. It's up to you to patch him up and give him some TLC after a job. One Shot Deadpool/Gender Neutral Reader. </p>
<p>Edit 6/19/18: As a thank you for all the Kudos/Hits/faves/Comments I have re-worked this piece a bit! Minor grammar edits as well as adding in some new jokes here and there. Thanks so much! I also have a new DP x reader series I'm starting, so check that out if you so desire! <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	Patching up the 'Pool

Ever since you met Deadpool, you had known about and accepted his profession. After all, It is a hard thing to ignore since there are a minimum of fifteen weapons strapped to him at all times.

When he first moved in with you to hide out for a bit he still did merc jobs, but they were more low-key. Then later, after you started dating, you noticed that he began to slowly dwindle down with the jobs until they eventually stopped. 

You had asked him why and made sure he knew that you didn't mind. Sure you worried about him, and nothing could stop that, but you knew and accepted that his lifestyle and job would always be a bit of a culture shock to you since it was so different. 

He thought your worrying was sweet and happily explained that he was taking it easy and wanted to relax for a while, "with my new boo-thang" in his exact words. He also wanted to enjoy the newfound financial security you gave him, as you were there to curb his impulse buys of a few thousand pancakes or other ridiculous hijinks. (Although, you made sure to let him indulge sometimes, or otherwise what's the fun?)

However, after a few months without taking a job he began to get restless. You could tell doing mindless, random hobbies (he had gotten quite good at needle-felting) and endless hours of video games and television were getting to him. 

When you confronted him about it and asked him if he wanted to go back to work he seemed so relieved. 

“Are you sure you don't mind? Sometimes I come back a little, more like a lot, worse for wear." He warned you.

You nodded, "As long as you heal up again I'll be okay. I’m First Aid certified after all, so that means I can handle bleeding, mouthy mercs.” 

Deadpool laughed at your joke and pulled you in to a kiss, "You'll be fine then, Doctor Wetpanties.”

You had seen him come home a mess before, some fresh cuts and bruises that were a little too deep to completely heal on the way home, but within a half hour they were gone. 

That was nothing compared to this. 

 

You were reading on the couch in your living room when you heard a crash on the balcony. 

“Is that the stupid birds again knocking over my plants..” You murmured grumpily putting down your book and making your way outside. 

You couldn’t help but let out a scream when you saw your boyfriend in a crumpled, bloody mess surrounded by your broken plants. 

Immediately you jumped into action, practically ripping the door off its hinges to get to him. 

“Wade!!! Oh my fucking shit!! Wade are you okay?!” You were trying not to freak out, but you were not doing a very good job, you could feel your heart pounding and your stomach clench.

“Hey sweet cheeks!” He joked, trying not to scare you more. “I got some fresh meat if you want to make burgers tonight.” 

That was when you noticed the chunk of flesh missing from his thigh and that he was holding his own arm at a horribly twisted angle, as it was barely hanging on by some bloody... tendons? You didn't know how anatomy works, you just knew his arm looked like a rope that was about to snap at any moment! 

God, you were going to be sick. 

 

“Wade, please, not the time!” You shrieked in response, hands flailing, unsure of whether to cover your face or to touch him. You were breathing pretty fast and felt woozy, tears were pricking at the corners of your eyes and he noticed.

“Hey, hey I’m sorry! I’m fine, I promise.” He let go of his arm to try and console you put that just caused his injured arm to start swinging wildly, which would be a little funny if you weren’t so horrified. “Aw, who needs two arms anyways right?”

You decided it was probably best to help him inside so the neighbors didn’t call the cops. 

“Let’s just.. Get you inside.” You offered support as he wobbled inside to your kitchen. He was trying to avoid dragging blood all over your carpet (again) so he opted for the tile floor.

Once he was settled on the ground, you ran to get your first aid kit and towels. 

You weren’t sure how much good any of your supplies would do, although your collection had grown since you met Deadpool. How are you supposed to patch up what looked like a fucking shark bite and there’s no way you could reattach his almost detached arm. 

Well.. You glanced at the stitches kit you had. You could maybe try. You shuddered, trying to control your lurching stomach. One step at a time. 

When you reappeared, he began to apologize, “I’m sorry to come back like this, I know it’s kinda a lot to take in. Just like, bad guys chasing me, per usual, and didn’t want to scar any kiddies for life or call the wah-mbulance. I'm a big boy, you know.” 

“Shhh, shh. It’s okay. Don’t ever apologize for coming back.” you peeled off the remainder of his mask, you swear he had a million of these, and gingerly touched his bloody face. "I suppose that was a financially responsible choice, but I'm not sure this behavior deserves praise." You smiled softly, looking into his blank eyes.

 

After a quiet moment, his blood began to drip onto your arms and clothes and you sighed deeply, “You are pretty fucked up though, babe. I don’t know where to start.” 

Putting together a make-shift game plan in a matter of seconds, you decided to try and wipe up as much blood, dirt, gunk, and whatever horrid unmentionables were all over him first. That way, you could actually see what you were working with. While you were doing that you hastily wrapped up his arm so it could begin to heal itself back together. 

You had no idea where to start with his thigh. You could apply pressure to it, but then you couldn’t tend to the other wounds.. Since he didn’t have to hold his arm anymore you gave him a wrap to hold against his thigh.

Next you decided to work on his face. After mopping up all the blood you realized that among his minor facial injuries, the usual split lip, scratches, and bruises, his nose was broken.

“Yeesh, will it heal up okay if it stays, um..” You were trying to be polite, but were at a loss for words.

He finished your sentence, “Looking like Owen Wilson? Yeah, no, we should probably fix that before I have to break it myself.”

You inhaled sharply, you didn’t super want to crack his nose back into place, but seeing as he.. ‘needed a hand’ so to speak, you decided it was probably your job.

You kissed his split lip, “Okay, I’m sorry in advance.”

“My guts are falling out, I don’t think cracking my nose is going to kill me, so go ham baby!” He winked at you, and you frantically looked to see if his guts actually were falling out. Thankfully, he was totally intact. He let out a giggle at your reaction and if he wasn’t in so much pain already you would’ve punched him.

You readied a fresh towel in case his nose started to bleed more, and dabbed the last bit of blood away. “Okay ready… On three?” You gritted your teeth as you got ready.

“One..”

“Two…”

“Three..”

“Three and a half…” You stalled, not wanting to inflict more pain and also feeling a bit squeamish.

“Just do it! I’m tough. I won’t even cry after, can I get a sucker if I'm good, doc?” He tried to reassure you with a smile, but his missing teeth were starting to regrow and it was a very startling sight.

You clenched your eyes shut and CRACK.

“Yowzaa!! Gimme a kiss, quick, or I’m gonna go into shock!” He teased, puckering up dramatically.

You couldn’t help but giggle, and kissed him. 

 

“Well, I fixed up your pretty face, so we can just leave the rest of you a hot mess right?” You were starting to calm down a bit as all of his bleeding had stopped on it’s own by now.

He beamed, whenever you paid him any sort of physical compliment he couldn’t believe it and would be totally over the moon. He was especially surprised that you would call him pretty when he was so torn up.

“I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t want to disappoint the lil old lady who certified me. I know this probably hurts you right? So if I can help I will.” You smiled at his sweet, dopey expression and kissed his freshly healed nose.

“Yeah, it always hurts like hell. These bastards seem to forget that even though I can heal I always feel the pain.” He complained looking towards the balcony towards no one in particular. 

“Well, I think the easiest way to finish up would just be for you to get naked.” You stated plainly and helped him take off his boots since he couldn’t with one hand.

He perked up at that, “Oh you sly dog! I didn’t know you had that kind of fetish, gimme a heads up next time and I can prepare. Who do you think would win, me or me? My money’s on me, but I don’t know—”  


“Oh my god, stop!” You flushed bright red, “I was just saying, getting you out of uniform would probably help me get— Ugh! You can just heal on your own!” 

He chuckled, “Noo, no, I can get naked, it’s not like it’s every day someone wants to see the DP in the N-U-D-E. Well, with you it kinda is, but still.”

“Oh just shut up already, why couldn’t you have come home with a mouth injury instead.” You teased him, still blushing.

“Hey, you got the stitches right there, feel free to shut me up at any time.” He checked his arm to see the healing status. 

“Hm, nope, looks like you’re going to have to strip me. Baby boy is still not ready yet. But I am!” He posed seductively on your now bloody kitchen floor, “Be gentle with me.”

“Jesus. Let’s move into the bathroom then.” You stood up with an eye-roll and a smirk, quickly gathering your supplies, “Leave the ammo in here though.” 

He nodded, and unstrapped his many holsters and other suit attachments, it was hard to do one handed, so you stepped in. You were always a little nervous handling his weapons, but thankfully you had finally gotten him to at least put everything on safety when holstered.

When you were finished you stood up and offered him your hand.

 

“I am feeling much better, it helps when the nurses are so cute.” He planted a wet kiss on your face as you supported him once more into the bathroom.

“Being cute was part of my first aid test, they don’t just pass anyone you know.” You said matter-of-factly.

Once in the bathroom he sits on the edge of your tub and you peel off his gloves and then his shirt. Very, very carefully you pull the shirt off of the broken (severed) arm. He winces and your heart pangs. 

You just look at him with such guilt that you hurt him, even though it was to help, and just collapse into his chest kneeling in front of him. 

“It’s okay! I’m sorry, it didn’t even hurt, I promise.” He said frantically, he was trying to hold you with one arm.

Now you were bloody too, but you didn’t care, you just wanted to be held and to hold him. 

“I’m sorry I’m not good at this.” You sniffled. 

“You’re the best I’ve ever had.” He winked and smiled wide, waiting for your response. 

You snorted, wiping a tear with the back of your hand, “And I’m not even finished yet!”

 

You got back to work, feeling another wave of determination, wiping his chest and neck with clean towels. Most everything was healed by now, well except his two main injuries, but they were coming along, especially his arm. You didn’t want to look at them though, you had been doing so good about keeping your lunch and would hate to change that now. 

He took off his pants since his arm was finally fully attached, the bones were still healing though, so it still hurt like hell. 

“Finally, I was tired of being a leftie!” He joked.

“Wade, you’re ambidextrous.” you gave him your signature look of 'I'm full of your shit already, Wilson!'.

“Yeah, but I prefer to have both hands, and I think you do too, if you know what I mean.” He winked at you while waggling his eyebrows, then continued wiping off his legs. 

After a pity chuckle form you, you examined his thigh wound again. There wasn’t much that you could do with that one at this point. 

“Why don’t I start a bath and when you finish healing up we can get in?” You turned on the water, then turned around to get undressed and toss your now-ruined clothes into the nearby hamper. You could use a relaxing bath after all this and you were sure he could too.

He nodded as he did some stretches to test out his healing arm, “Sounds good to me. Extra bubbles this time, and don’t forget Mr. Dick.”

You turned to look at him, “Don’t you mean Mr. Duck?” You held up the rubber duck that Wade insisted on having during every bath. 

“Nope.” He grinned.

You realized that while you were preparing for the bath, he had taken off his boxers and was giving you a 'standing ovation' for your hard work.

“You’re the sly dog!” You flushed with a big smile before crashing into him for a hug, effectively knocking you both into the rising water of the tub for some sloppy kisses and well-needed relaxation.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I just wanted to write about bloody deadpool and someone patching him up because that poor boy gets torn up all the time and has to deal with it alone. I didn't super know how to end, I knew I wanted to have a bubble bath scene, but I thought It would be funny to end it as it was... even if it was a bit abrupt.


End file.
